Why do I make it so difficult?

The good news is that I have not stopped eating healthy foods since I said I would five weeks ago. However, even with healthy foods; it is possible to have too much of a good thing. I know it sounds weird, but apparently I have figured out the fine art of hogging down on celery and carrots. It's sad, but true. Last week, I didn't lose any weight. I attributed it to my time of the month. This week, I have to face the cold, hard facts. I was eating beyond satisfaction. With this new healthy eating plan, it's essential that I stop when I feel satisfied. Last week, I always felt a little tweak in my stomach saying "ouch, you over ate". Yet, I ignored it thinking, how bad could it be since it was nutritious. I know with out a doubt, that is why I stayed the same for the second week in a row. Time to fess up, move on, and keep on trekking.

P.S.

I confess there was major disappointment after working hard all day to cook crock pot barley and chicken, only to find out that I was satisfied with less than two cups of this very hardy casserole type dish.

What I Want To Live For

So on this journey to better health, I have come to the realization that it's also a journey to a better life. That is not to say that I don't like my life because I do love my life. I love my husband, daughter and son. What I want from my life is my total presence with in it.

That presence would be me. I want to be in my life, and fully enjoying it. This may sound weird, but I feel that I am called by a higher power to this new healthy life. (OK, now if this higher power would have cooperated with a weight loss this week-just stayed the same)  All jokes aside, I have been asking myself some questions lately. They are how can I can be more healthy, more present and more prayerful in my life. I prayed about this, and came to a startling conclusion.

I think that I need to stop drinking. I drink two to three times a week, enough to dampen my energy for my kids the morning after I drink. On some weeks that means I am only fully available to my family half the week. Also, it means I'm unavailable to myself. What does it mean to be unavailable to myself? If I'm unavailable to myself, that means their isn't time for me to love this life that has been gifted to me.  

So I am allowing for the possibility that I might not want to drink as much as I used to. I don't know exactly what that means right now. For now, it means I haven't had a drink in one week.  

Dedication Not Deprivation

I wrote in an earlier post that I thought that any diet needed to have a certain amount of deprivation. It seemed true especially if you look at the menus posted on many diet blogs. For example, here is my menu for today:

Breakfast: Cup of Oatmeal for Breakfast w/ unsweetened apple sauce and fat free milk.

Snack: Apple and a glass of fat free milk.

Lunch: Left over Texas hash (Brown rice, tomatoes, Lean ground turkey)

Snack: Salad w/ a measure of olive garden dressing.

Dinner: Taco Salad (Shredded Chicken over a bed of lettuce with salsa)

Snack: Pop Corn (98 % Fat Free)

In the past I would have saw this as deprivation because it didn't include my two favorite food groups of Pizza and ice cream. However, in actuality it doesn't feel like deprivation because the Texas Hash and Taco salad are really delicious. The only draw back is that both of them take some time to cook. Yesterday, when it was two hours before class, I had to decide whether to make Texas Hash or to just wing it after school. Winging it would have meant I would have had to eat another salad for dinner which would have left me hungry and would have forced my family to have hot dogs. Or worse it would have left me open to making a terrible dinner choice like pizza. So despite the time crunch, and that I was exhausted from a long day, I was dedicated enough to cook healthy food before I left for class. It was worth it yesterday, and it's worth it every day that I do it. This weeks worth came in the loss of three pounds for me. However, the prize is much more than weight loss it is about a new health consciousness that makes me me feel good about my self because I know that I'm finally succeeding where in the past the struggle was filled with pain and failure.

Doing Good

I have been quiet lately. I am still working very hard at eating healthy. I was disappointed last week to see no loss. However, I can say with honesty that I had a very healthy week. My nutritional habits have changed drastically in a really good way. I have stuck to eating more wholesome type foods. The things I need to work on are drinking more water, drinking less margaritas, and working out more.

The workout thing has been another huge disappointment for me. Over a month ago, I thought I hurt myself at the gym. Unfortunately, my hips hurt every day. It is not an intense pain or even a dull pain. It feels as if they are creaking every time I walk, almost like the bones are stretching. Weird? I'm at the point where I think I might need to see a doctor because it's not going away. Also, I don't think it's an injury because the pain switches sides. Also, I don't know if it's my hip. It's actually in the middle of my butt. Is that part of my hip?

Tomorrow is weigh in day again. I hope to see better results.

NSV

I've never reported a non scale victory before, but today I will because it was a big one. I cleaned out my pantry of unhealthy, processed food. I loaded them up in a big box and I'm going to send them to the food pantry that I volunteer at. Why is this a victory? Well...besides that I had the yuckiest sticky stuff at the bottom of my pantry shelves; it was just one more way I committed to healthy eating for me and my family.

I've made some small changes in my diet this week. I just wanted to eat healthy, and that is what I did. I did not count points. Half way through the week, I was eating mostly core type foods. (That is the opposite of the flex plan in weight watcher's lingo) Any way, I'm kind of on my own plan where I am just eating healthy foods. The weight watcher's core site is amazing for help with how to do this. So I am taking what I want from weight watcher's core plan and throwing the rest out. Like I said, I am really trying hard to eat healthy foods like fruits, veggies, lean meats, whole grains and fat free dairy. It's been a hard change and wonderful change. Since I'm not a big fan of cooking, I anticipate that it will get harder and not easier till I get organized with my cooking. Also, I am really focused on feeling the sensation of both hunger and fullness. That's what I'm doing, and I lost 2.5 pounds this week doing it.

Warning...Expletives...

OK here is the bad, the worse and the ugliest about my diet...

For some unknown reason, I just refuse to give up bad foods. 35 Flex points are a joke to me. I can eat 70 flex points just on chips and salsa night. That 70 points does not count the margaritas that go with chips and salsa. I even practice good diet management and ask myself if chips and salsa night will be worth it. Will I be happy with my decision after I've ingested it? Hell yes, I tell myself. Apparently, I am the biggest loser, oops I mean biggest liar.

...a few days, past chips and salsa night.

I went to the gym after not going in over a week because I hurt my hip. I have this pain in my ass (literally) from my butt to the inside of my knee which I think can even be felt near my ankle at times. Anyway, as I was working out I could feel the pain begin again. My heart started beating so fast, as I freaked out that maybe I'd never be able to workout again. Then I just started getting pissed at myself. I have let myself go in every imaginable way. I could die from over eating and disgusting nutrition. If I don't die from it, I'll certainly suffer a long time from it. I doubt I'd ever have hip pain I hadn't packed on so many pounds. I think I'm having a slow awakening. It's not all about looks or fitting into cute jeans. There are "real" health reasons that can/should motivate me.

I moved from the treadmill to the weight machines (which I did for the first time). In the background the radio is playing, the D.J is talking about reducing cancer risk by taking off all the pounds that you gained after high school. Wow! He used the example that even 11 extra pounds could increase your cancer risk. Imagine what my whopping 64 pounds does for my risk. I don't know what study he was citing, but the point was that I felt like someone was whispering in my ear a very important life secret.

...margarita night without chips and salsa. (with a friend)

My friend hasn't smoked in a couple of months. I haven't smoked in over 6 months. After a bad fight with her husband she picks up Margaritas and smokes and heads to my house. I wasn't even tempted to have a cigarette. I know if I have another smoke, I am headed to my grave much quicker than I am supposed to go. (My doctor has said that I don't have the lungs that can handle one more cigarette) I've created a lifetime habit that I can't ever imagine straying from no matter how much I loved being a smoker. My point is that I think I am having a revelation about my relationship with bad nutrition and my health. I get that my conviction about good nutrition has to become similar to the conviction I have about smoking.
....
Never the less, I don't know what it means. Will I choose chips & salsa next week? I refuse to make empty promises to myself or to my blog reader friends. The only thing I know is that I am slowly feeling a change in how I think about food and health.

I lost a pound, but I am still up two from my total loss. I'm happy with my one pound loss. I got that loss at the gym and through making a few, minor good choices. Also, I probably got it because last week was period week, and this week isn't.

I've really committed to the gym, and it feels almost life changing. However, I have not truly committed to a life of better and different eating. I'd like to say this is the day I'll be a changed eater forever. I hope it's the day, but I have failed so many times to be certain this is the day. When I smoked, I learned I had to have a quit day for success. I can't tell you how many quit days I've had before I actually quit permanently. The other thing I learned about smoking is to not quit quitting. It was a process that took many years for me to make happen for myself. However, I never stopped the process of wanting to quit which included constantly trying. I have that part down with weight loss. This journal has helped me with that part. I will write in this probably forever. It's fun, and it makes me realize the "forever" part of the process of making good food choices.

I've decided to set a quit date for myself with my weight loss (Maybe, it should be called a start date). My quit/start date is going to be Monday March 17, 2008. (My quit smoking date was July 30th, 2007) I hope it will give me a few days to remind myself of my dedication to this. This is not an excuse for me to pig out till Monday. I'm still on program and even feeling quite committed this morning. I want there to be a contract with myself, and this is one way of doing it.

Here Is My Before Picture

Just Kidding. We all know this isn't me. (Yet) However, I might not have her flat tummy, I do look almost as good as her in these great bras from Lane Bryant. (I actually own this one in this exact color) I went and got fitted for a bra and finally found my bra and my size. It was so worth it! I actually feel kind of sexy lately. I'm also addicted to bra shopping now.


Here is the scoop on getting fitted for a bra, in case there is anyone that doesn't know. I had no idea because I'd never been fitted.


They will measure you. However, the measurements don't for sure give you the exact size. You have to try on many bras to find the couple that will be a good fit for you. At Lane Bryant they had this wonderful woman that helped me. If your shy, you'll have to get over it because she does have to see you in the bra to make suggestions of bras that would be a better fit. I didn't like the idea of prancing around in front of another woman in my bra. Yet, it ended up being no big deal, and I couldn't have did it without her. She looks at women in their bras all day, and is kind of a bra expert.


I have to tell you that I always just guessed at my bra size so my boobs always looked like saggy water balloons underneath my clothes. I never even knew that you could try a bra on. I thought that you would have to try the bra on over the bra that one was already wearing. I felt so embarrassed asking how to try a bra on, but the lady was very professional and very supportive. It's official, everyone knows how big of a "nerd" I really am.


I now have over 10 bras that I absolutely adore. Not only that, I feel like the bra has taken ten pounds off me. I don't know why that is, but I'm hoping that I look as perky as I feel. LOL!


Here is the other thing I figured out about bras. You have to wash them in a bra bag to keep them good. It's a fish net bag that keeps the bras from getting tangled and ruined. I used to just throw them in the wash with everything else. Who knew...a bra bag?

Enough about bras, thanks for letting me share my new pink bra and bra tid bits with you.

New Goals and Such...

I worked out at the gym for 65 minutes yesterday. I took it really easy. SUPER SLOW. However, at least I did it. Cammy left me a comment which gave me an idea. She is also the one that helped me get motivated with my fitness goals. She mentioned it wouldn't be long till I caught up. Caught up? You mean I still should get the rest of February's goal in with the new March goal? That is an excellent idea! It will make me feel better about missing February's goal. I have 156 minutes left to finish for February. After I finish the February ticker, then I am going to start ticking away at my March fitness ticker. I've added thirty more minutes than February for a total March goal of 550 minutes. However, combined with what I have left to do for both February and March I will have to workout for 706 minutes. I hope I can do it. Please no more sickness in my house.

Update: I worked out slowly for 64 minutes today. It went good and I felt a little better about it today than yesterday. Yesterday, it genuinely felt both physically and emotionally difficult to get back to.