I lost a pound, but I am still up two from my total loss. I'm happy with my one pound loss. I got that loss at the gym and through making a few, minor good choices. Also, I probably got it because last week was period week, and this week isn't.

I've really committed to the gym, and it feels almost life changing. However, I have not truly committed to a life of better and different eating. I'd like to say this is the day I'll be a changed eater forever. I hope it's the day, but I have failed so many times to be certain this is the day. When I smoked, I learned I had to have a quit day for success. I can't tell you how many quit days I've had before I actually quit permanently. The other thing I learned about smoking is to not quit quitting. It was a process that took many years for me to make happen for myself. However, I never stopped the process of wanting to quit which included constantly trying. I have that part down with weight loss. This journal has helped me with that part. I will write in this probably forever. It's fun, and it makes me realize the "forever" part of the process of making good food choices.

I've decided to set a quit date for myself with my weight loss (Maybe, it should be called a start date). My quit/start date is going to be Monday March 17, 2008. (My quit smoking date was July 30th, 2007) I hope it will give me a few days to remind myself of my dedication to this. This is not an excuse for me to pig out till Monday. I'm still on program and even feeling quite committed this morning. I want there to be a contract with myself, and this is one way of doing it.

I have both a hall of shame award for myself and a trophy award for myself. I am not sure which to give myself. I stayed the same this week, and for the most part I think that is pretty good considering that I was a little bit down this week, and on top of it all, it's TOM time. So, I have decided that I am getting a trophy because I mostly was OP, and that's got to be good enough most of the time.

So often, on diets we are shown by society that we have to strive for perfection. We have to look like a model, we have to look like we did in the ninth grade or we have to exercise an hour a day because that is the most healthy for us (making our half hour worthless). I would love to weigh 135, and when I see some of these motivational stories where women have kicked ass, I hope that is me in two years. Yet, I've set my goal for 160 because that just might be attainable. At this point I'm reasonable. I'm not saying I don't fantasize about that 130 bikini body, but hell I'd take my jiggling, jelly belly and fat butt out in a bikini if I weighed 160 because that would be truly fabulous for me.

On Program Off Program On program

The bad news is I am off program again today. The good news is that I didn't just decide to say hell with it and have a total binge. That's the biggest difference between now and in the past. I guess there are 2 differences. First in the past I would be entirely off program in a major binge sort of way. Now, even when "off program" I am conscious of the choices I am making. Secondly, I am coming back to OP every time I screw up. YEA! I'm allowing myself to screw up and succeed.

Speaking of screwing up, or should I say screwing down? I did not exercises once this week. (My goal was twenty minutes a day) There is always next week, and next week I know will bring good changes in me.

The Golden Trophy

The Golden Trophy goes to me. I figured if I had a hall of shame award for gaining, I should have an award for losing. I lost...drum roll...4.5 pounds this week. I can't believe I only have 56 pounds to the "so called" goal weight. Over the last weeks, as I've hung on the every word of successful weight loss bloggers, I realized that I can go all the way. However, I'm still uncertain what all the way is. I have decided that to start my end goal is 160. However, maybe I'd like to go farther, but I will decide that later on. Heck, I will be the mother of all thrilled at 170.

The Callender Girls Club

I got this from the blog called Journey to Lose a 100 Pounds. It's a great idea. The calender on the blog serves as a visual reminder to put a sticker on the calender every time I'm on program. I love it. Since, I started I get to put a sticker on for every day. Even though, I had a gain last weigh in, I was completely OP which means on program. I thought OP sounded sort of harsh at first. It's like you are either OP or Not OP. However, so far my journey of blogging and slowly learning from other's blogs who journal their weight loss, I can see that the only way to success is OP. YEA! I'm so excited about this calender idea.

Thinness does matter...

When I began this journey over two weeks ago, it was supposed to be all about health and nothing about going on a diet and getting thin. However, I'd be lying to myself if I said thinness didn't have a significant impact on my motivation to live a healthier lifestyle. I get a little giddy imagining a thin me.

Do we have any value?

I found this picture at postsecret.com. This is someones secret. Sad? The first thing I noticed about the picture is the words. If you check out many weight loss diaries on the net, they are all lonely women who place no value on their life, much like this picture shows. The most painful part about this person's secret is that she is thin. THIN! The cow is not FAT! I remember when I started this FAT journey in the seventh grade. I was not FAT!

What it takes?

What does it take to lead a healthy life style in regards to food? I have pondered this a lot lately. Weight watchers tells us we don't need to deprive ourselves of the food we love. However, as I read People magazine's stories about super successful weight loss, I realized these people have one thing in common which is the ability to say no to bad food like fast food and desert. I guess sometimes if you have the points, it's OK, but the most of the time it's best to say no. One of the women said that if you are going to eat the cake then you need to give something else up during the day, like bread. So I think that healthy eating is not total deprivation, but certainly I've got to put a halt to junk food on a regular basis.

So today, I went over my points which puts me over my points for weight in day. However, I am going to try to forgive myself because there is still wine left in tonight's bottle. (Usually, I would never leave wine in a bottle) I hope I lose weight tomorrow because tomorrow is weigh in day. This is going to be such a long process. It will be at least a year, but it doesn't have to seem so bad when I just chalk it up to the rest of my life. OK I am just babbling out of nervousness. I fear I've messed up my first week. A few days ago I was down 4 pounds, but that was before eating out for New Years eve, and having a snack attack today.

Broccoli & Cheese Soup

So I made this really easy recipe that I took from a Weight Watcher's message board. (Sorry I forgot the name of the person that posted it) It's really yummy and easy. However, be careful the cheese doesn't burn to the bottom.

Ingredients:
6 cups of fat free chicken broth
16 0z of Kraft Velveeta Light Reduced fat pasteurized cheese
24 Oz of frozen broccoli
1/2 cup flour
1/2 cup of water

Instructions:
1. Put broccoli in broth, bring to a boil and boil for 5 minutes.
2. Add cheese. Stir till melted.
3. In a separate bowl, combine flour and water. Slowly add to soup till it thickens.

Makes 11 one cup servings for 3 points a serving. Also, it freezes good.

HOW I GOT SO FAT? BESIDES THE OBVIOUS!

I got fat eating ice cream and pizza to my stomach's galore. However, it wasn't always exactly like this. I got fat quitting smoking. I've gained 60 pounds quitting smoking. For the last two years, I tried to quit on a regular basis. Every time I quit, I gained at least ten pounds. Then I would start back up. This time I've made it 6 months. I'll never go back because I have paid a very high price to quit in the form of FAT! It's not worth it for me to have to ever quit again and gain more weight. This is it for me. It's really good knowing that with 99 percent certainty. Now, I am ready to add a healthy life with healthy food and fitness into my life style. This is where I need to be. I don't know if I feel as strongly committed to weight loss as I did to quitting smoking. Hopefully, the same determined feeling will come through time and progress.

Weight Watchers

I joined weight watchers on-line today. I ate fifteen points over my limit. (Thank goodness for flex points) Now that was a success if I ever had one. Actually, I was mostly starved and ate very healthy. I guess it will just take a few days to get used to munching on carrots all day! I confess that five of my points were devoted to my nightly margarita. I couldn't resist although I did take a much smaller portion. I am going to have to start working out because I'm going to want those activity points. Today, me and my son went mall walking with him in the stroller. I came back with 3 activity points and a 100 dollars less cash. Ouch!

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

I made a great food choice of subway for lunch, and then forgot totally about my diet as my husband asked me to go to dinner at my favorite Italian restaurant. Yummy!

For lunch, I asked myself do I want to eat the yummies or do I want to look good in a few months. These are small steps, and I'm working up to bigger steps.

SHAME

So, I wrote the last post and had two very delicious burritos while thinking about the fact that I have gained almost 60 pounds in a short time of around two years. I admit I feel shame about that. What has gotten me to the point that I just eat all the time. Yet, after reflecting for a minute I realized I feel shame about the food it must have taken for me to gain 60 pounds. However, I don't feel shame about myself. Overall, I feel pretty damn good about myself.

My Story

I got fat early on. In the seventh grade, I wanted to be a model but at 135 pounds I was told I was to fat. Now I would die to be a 135 pounds. How many times have I wished I could just go back and appreciate myself for who I am? I wonder if I will someday be 300 pounds and pining away for today's 224 pounds. I remember when size 14 was the perfect and size 16 meant I was a cow. I'd sure like to be that size 16 cow now! Anyway, I am starting this health blog, to encourage my journey.