I promised myself I wouldn't be a New Year Diet Junky, meaning I wouldn't make 10 or so pounds and drop off the face of my blog. I've already watched others do it. I thought I was stronger, but the truth is that I'm just slower at it. I may not of even gained, but I haven't given it my all this week. Yet, I haven't given it my all in my life either.
Last week Hanlie left me a comment. She doesn't seem to think fat people can be totally happy with their life, if they know they aren't doing their best for their health and life. I disagreed with her last week. This week I agree with her, only for different reasons. In theory, I do think fat people can be happy. However, I am just not. I got issues, but lets be honest, I just want to look and feel good so my husband will... I'm not sure what I want my husband to do. Maybe, I want him to think I'm drop dead gorgeous or maybe I just want him to see that other men might just be attracted to me. Now that is freaking shallow! I have this friend who talks constantly about herself. She loves to spend an hour talking about how looks don't matter to her, yet she spends every second making sure she is as thin as possible at any cost. At least, I'm honest, my looks matter. That damn, book I'm reading...well it just has to be wrong. I remember how good it felt to be thin and sexy.
What can I say positive?
I'm going to pray really hard before I get on the scales tomorrow. (For a miracle or just the strength to make a comeback in the future)
I am totally aware that the process of change takes years. I've been thinking of an award like a trip, that I would give myself for weight loss, that I would take next year. I want to let myself have time to change as long as I am constantly in process of it all.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
I hope you find your "groove"! You sound very down and that renders you helpless and powerless.
The thing with weight loss, or moving towards health, is that it is not only about changing our eating habits and exercising. It is about finding something in ourselves that we never even knew we had. Something that will keep you going even when you don't feel like it. That something that makes you realize that you're worth it! That you are an amazing, strong, capable, kick-ass woman. That you can tackle any task and do it, no matter how long it takes or how hard you're being pulled in other directions by advertisers and the people around you.
In order to find that kernel of grit, you need to dig deep inside yourself. And when you do that, you hit upon a lot of other things that you've buried there. This can be a painful process. But it is so necessary.
Until we do that, I contend that we are living a shadow of a life and cannot be truly happy. It has nothing to do with how we look, it has to do with realizing our potential.
I think true beauty comes from within. I believe it doesn't matter whether on the outside we have an ugly shell or a pretty one. Because when we have true beauty shining in us, it reflects on the outside of us. Also we are not going to find and be content with the happyness that's on the outside but we will if we have it within. I am happy and I am beautiful, that's coming from the inside of me. I bet you are too!
You can choose to be stronger. You don't have to be perfect, you just have to keep going. Sometimes it helps to keep the eye on the prize. Maybe write down the reasons that you want it, and put it up somewhere obvious - the fridge, the computer, etc.
As far as the happiness question. I think yes, fat people CAN be happy. But I think it isn't the most common thing. I think often unhappiness is what drives disordered eating. (True for me - looking back, I've gained weight in the bad years and lost it in the good ones.) Then it becomes cyclical ... you're unhappy, you eat, weight makes you more unhappy as well as the other stuff, you eat, etc. That's why weight loss isn't just about weight loss. Most people have emotional baggage to deal with at the same time. If they don't deal with it, the weight comes back. (Again, true for me.)
Now, is it easier to be thin? Heck yeah! It feels good to feel sexy, it feels good to know clothes will fit, people are friendlier, they make fewer negative assumptions, etc.
So anyway, it's all very cyclical and intertwined and a little "which came first, the chicken or the egg" to me.
The bottom lines to me are 1.) keep going. Keep trying. Don't stop. Mistakes or bad weeks aren't tragedies, learn from them and move on to a good week. And 2.) Figure out what's going on behind the scenes in the brain/heart. What void are you filling, or what pain are you smothering, or ... what's going on? And how can you find different ways of dealing with it?
Anyway ...
I think the award idea is great. Especially a trip, because you can focus on how much more you can go and see and do when you're in good shape.
Hang in there! We're all out here for you!
Post a Comment